Heck Of A Guy

You Say You Want A Resolution

Well you know
We all want to change the world¹

[From top left, proceeding clockwise: Walk To School Month (Seattle), History Happens Here Year (North Carolina), One County, One Book (Beaufort County), Operation Lifesaver Safety Week (Moose Jaw), National Hispanic/Latino Heritage Month (Iowa), National Society of Hispanic MBAs Day (New York City)]

The Resolution Convolution

One consequence of the publicity surrounding the non-binding resolutions recently considered by the Congress² and the Carpentersville, Illinois Village Board³ has been DrHGuy’s realization that the process of creating such resolutions is poetically and accurately described by those famous lines from Macbeth:

Now, DrHGuy cannot and, indeed, would not change the “signifying nothing” part of that equation; that is, after all, the charm of the non-binding resolution. It’s the “sound and fury” nonsense that strikes him as the rate-limiting step in the equation, a hurdle that, it turns out, is readily eliminated. As for the idiot telling the tale, DrHGuy certainly wants in on that action.

The problem with non-binding resolutions is the time and effort required by deliberative bodies to debate and pass them. If Lady Lawanda, for example, wished to promote an appreciation of teachers by establishing a “Pay Teachers A Living Wage Day,” the current process would entail her inveigling an unsuspecting city council member, state representative, US Senator, or other similarly titled elected office holder to convince that individual of the worth of her proposal and then that poor soul bringing the issue before his or her colleagues for debate and voting.

And what is the final result of this effort (i.e., this sound and fury) - if it is successful?
Another non-binding resolution.

DrHGuy’s epiphany is that the same result can be achieved in far less time with far less hassle by the magic of disintermediation - eliminating the middle man - a tactic that not only provides the individual in need of a resolution with a simple, direct route to that goal but also frees governmental officials from the burden of passing another “Best Darn Cat In The Whole World” resolution for a persistent constituent (and precludes some of the mischief propagated by such legislative bodies emboldened by the non-responsibility of the non-binding resolution).

The Resolution Redistribution Revolution Solution

Long minutes of research, including the study of actual non-binding resolutions such as those in the graphic atop this post,⁴ made it clear that the required elements of a non-binding resolution are

• The reason for the resolution (e.g., Declaring “National Non-Binding Resolution Day”)
• Complex, flowery, legalistic language, emphasizing the word “whereas”⁵
• A tone of high seriousness
• Official stationery
• The signature of an official empowered to execute proclamations and resolutions
• A nifty seal⁶

Well, DrHGuy is all about rhetorical flourishes, bright shiny seals, inflated language, mock solemnity, and meaningless pronouncements. And, as the owner-operator of several domains, including 1heckofaguy.com, oneheckofaguy.com and heckofaguy.com, he has a heck of an empowerment. The only essential component missing is the reason for the resolution itself. Thus was born the latest Heck of a Guy service to humanity, embodied in the motto:

The Resolution Conclusion

1. Develop a Resolution Declaration
Official language resolutions, for example, are quite trendy locally although these pseudo-ordinances tend to be, sadly, quite unimaginative. One might want to liven things up by combining the mandate to speak, oh, let’s use English as a random example, with the requirement to speak or write only when simultaneously hopping on one foot. Or, make it a game - Between 8 AM and 5 PM, the official language is English minus any words with containing the letter “e.” Fun, right?

Of course, the potential universe of proclamations is infinite. Designate a day, month, or year for celebration of your favorite person, group, thing,⁷ place, or activity.

Guys, have you been looking for just the right gift for that sweetie of yours, something romantic enough to seduce her into playing the naughty schoolgirl gets spanked by the teacher game (and letting you choose who gets to be the schoolgirl) yet avoids commitments that could trouble you in the distant future (i.e., after sex)? What could be more perfect for such a situation than a non-binding resolution?

Don’t feel as though you have to limit your resolutions to yourself or your loved ones. Reach out to others. One might, for example, declare that the official languages of a given town would henceforth be apportioned on the basis of population percentages. If a village had a population that was - oh, I dunno, maybe 40% Latino and 60% White - it would seem in keeping with the principles of fairness to issue a proclamation naming English the official language Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays while Hispanic would be the designated tongue Tuesdays and Thursdays, with weekends and holidays specified Speaker’s Choice.

DrHGuy recommends that readers make no small non-binding resolutions. He himself is pondering the merits of The DrHGuy Infinity Vs. The DrHGuy Eternity as the anticipated upgrade to the clearly suboptimal The DrHGuy Millennium. Declare yourself irresistible to the opposite sex. Wanna be 20 years younger or perhaps a minor deity? You’re only a resolution away. You Leonard Cohen & Anjani fans, for example, may be interested to discover that, according to a just executed non-binding resolution, their next concert will be held on the Heck of a House lawn - with Springsteen, Prince, and Willie Nelson as opening acts. Come early, bring a blanket. Reception to follow.⁸

2. Choose. download, and print the documentation.
Currently, Heck of a Guy offers two proclamation formats displayed below: the Traditional Format with fake parchment and a touch of Edwardian script and a Contemporary Format featuring blue lettering on a white background with an art deco border. Wording on each is identical.⁹

Depending upon printer margin and capabilities, some trimming may be necessary, especially with the traditional format.

To download the Traditional Proclamation Format version right-click on the next link, and choose “Save Target As …” or “Save Link As …”
Download: Traditional Proclamation Format

To download the Contemporary Proclamation Format version right-click on the next link, and choose “Save Target As …” or or “Save Link As …”
Download: Contemporary Proclamation Format

3. Fill in your name and the resolution itself in the spaces indicated
Upon completion of these three steps, you’ve got yourself one genuine, certifiably non-binding¹⁰ resolution.

Congratulations & remember to always use your new power only for good.

Footnotes

1. With abject apologies to Lennon-McCartney↩
2. See House Passes Symbolic Iraq Resolution↩
3. See Carpentersville Outlaws Joie de Vivre - English Now Lingua Franca↩
4. These documents were carefully selected by downloading the first available items on Google’s Image Search for “proclamations resolutions”↩
5. DrHGuy foresees the day when the current generation, assuming control of this country’s law offices, eliminates “whereas” from the lawyers’ argot, replacing it with “whatever.” You heard it here first.↩
6. The careful reader may note that one raging controversy is absent from this list. Lest that otherwise astute reader assume that DrHGuy has succumbed to the expedient of avoiding a decision, let it be known that the resolutions reviewed seemed evenly divided between those written in all caps and those printed in sentence case. Well trained in polite email discourse, DrHGuy eschews whenever possible the all caps missive.↩
7. Hint: most foods and crops already have a time period in their honor↩
8. As a result of the Dick Straub Non-binding Amending Resolution, naturists (with towels) are admitted without change↩
9. The text on the Proclamation (either format) follows:
   1HECKOFAGUY.COM

   Proclamation Of Non-Binding Resolution

   Even though a resolution is just fluff, we are still making a statement

   Whereas, readers of the Heck of a Guy Blog are individuals known for being quick-witted, helpful, good-looking, God-enduring, footnote-reading folks with a penchant for bravery and cleanliness as well as commendably low standards for humor,

   Whereas, those readers may, upon occasion, require an official proclamation, resolution, desideratum, acknowledgment, affirmation, commemoration, endorsement, commendation, or other recognition for one or more causes, personally significant dates, accomplishments, or ephemeral whims,

   Whereas, such non-binding resolutions issued by 1heckofaguy.com possess the same lack of enforceability as non-binding resolutions issued by the US Congress, the Governors of the States, and the Village of Carpentersville – and arguably an even greater lack of enforceability,

   I, the great and powerful DrHGuy, Potentate Extraordinaire, Master of the Subjunctive, Protector of the Existential Angst, Champion of Justice, Grand Vizier, Child of the Cosmos, One With the Universe, Devilishly Handsome Man About Town, All Around Cool Dude, and Proprietor of the Heck of a Guy Blog, do hereby authorize the holder of this certificate,
   _________________________ , to proclaim, at his or her sole discretion, the following non-binding resolution with all the rights, privileges, obligations, perks, kickbacks, and votes pertaining thereunto, no King’s X, no takebacks:

   ___________________________________________________
   ___________________________________________________
   ___________________________________________________

   In witness thereof I do hereby set my hand and cause the nifty seal of the Heck of a Guy Blog to be affixed, now and forever more. What DrHGuy hath created, let no man split asunder. Yabba Dabba Doo & Yada Yada Yada. Amen.

   DrHGuy
   Emperor of the Heck of a Guy Universe
   1heckofaguy.com↩

10. Is there any chance the non-binding resolution was originally developed because someone was in a bind? I didn’t think so.↩

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