Heck Of A Guy

DrHGuy is undergoing an inconveniently timed crisis of (Christmas) spirit.

While DrHGuy has always been a tad obsessive about purchasing and shipping gifts early, this year only a handful of presents have been obtained and sent on their way.¹

With only one week until December 25, every day that passes now makes it less likely that gifts yet to be shipped to their recipients will arrive before the holiday appears on the calendar.

Multiple potential catastrophes impend:

1. Several and perhaps most of the DrHGuy gift recipients may receive belated offerings.
2. DrHGuy may be forced to mingle amongst the masses to procure items at brick and mortar marketplaces, something he has only rarely attempted in the past 8-10 years.
3. Even when a cyber-purchase is possible, DrHGuy may face the reprehensible and perhaps immoral additional charge for expedited delivery.

The first consequence of this atypical dilatoriness, in fact, has already taken place.

Readers may recall the Elf Box Presents family tradition Julie originated when Da Boyz were barely mobile but which continues to require that, each night of the week preceding Christmas, the elves deliver small gifts to our children’s individual Elf Boxes that the youngsters then raid upon awakening.

Behold this morning’s Elf Box Presents:

In defense of the Chief Elf, both The Prodigal and The Mesomorph professed significant happiness and gratitude upon receipt of their loot. Once such approval is demonstrated, of course, the only remaining step in proving a given gift has met criteria for “fine and dandy” is scrawling the terminal “Q.E.D.,” notwithstanding the valid argument that a portion of their apparent joyfulness was actually relief that the recent foul mood of their very own 365-days-a-year Father Christmas had not superseded the time-honored conferment of largess upon the offspring and that their merriment was augmented by the realization that cash, however crass, always fits and that, in any case, it was preferable to the fallback – matching cans of Ramen Noodles (shrimp flavor).

The Christmas Present Fix

While the bereavement of Christmas Past and the angst of Christmas Future may require prolonged and diligent effort to resolve, the acute issue, Christmas presents for Christmas Present, demands a timely, if not immediate, solution.

A possibility, one supposes, would be to immediately start buying gifts rather than writing posts about buying gifts.² This seems suspiciously straightforward, however, and, while not rejected outright, has been put on hold pending the completion of this post.

Renouncing the commercialism and hypocrisy of Christmas gift-giving is economically appealing but would have conveyed more of the much to be desired moral eminence had, for example, the irresistibly delectable fruits that arrived on the Heck Of A House doorstep, courtesy of the Duke of Derm & the Princess of Peds, not already been greedily consumed.

Thankfully, desperation has resulted in a win-win (or at least a win-moral victory) stratagem. The usual suspects on the DrHGuy Gift List are hereby offered these choices re presents that appear to arrive late:

Alternative #1. Reframing
“Late, Average Christmas Present” may be reconfigured as “Early, Incredibly Generous X Present,” where X = any of the following: New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King’s Birthday, Epiphany, Lunar New Year Festival, Chinese New Year, Groundhog Day, St. Valentine’s Day, Presidents’ Day, Shrove Tuesday.³


Alternative #2. Adoption Of Holiday Deferral Calendar Option

Footnotes

1. Apparently, a law of econophysics prohibits giving gifts until they are selected.↩
2. DrHGuy is not unaware that writing about gifts while failing to accomplish this task himself radiates a certain irony.↩
3. Later and alternative holidays available on request↩

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